when we met
i dressed in navy blue and black
and told everyone
it was to catch the sunlight better
i had built walls
taller than mr edmondson
and painted the outsides
with rainbows, butterflies, sunshine
endless fields of tall grass
and pharrell williams' number one hit
but behind those walls
i sang in minor scales
and wrote with umbridge's quills
in an ice blue notebook
that only i could see
the ink bled through the pages
soaking everything i owned
but you presented me with
a bowl of murtlap essence
to soak my hands in
and a semester of bandages
covered with lines and spaces
and words in latin
someone who always wore black
but never let it touch her soul
touched my carefully built walls
i had repaired a thousand times
and they crumbled into pieces
the fragments of my painted lies
blew away in the breeze of songs
taught to me in the early afternoon
on fall days that bled into winter
and were banished
to a small corner of the world
by the first downbeat of a wand
and the first note of hope
bursting forth into the cold
and giving the frigid winter air
an odd sort of warmth
the stone has spun around again
and completed another circle
and i found myself back here
this time is different
i tell myself as i stand
with linoleum underneath my feet
instead of carpet
in another brick building
but this one three times as big
and the pressure is doubled
she draws out a vial of black ink
and off-white paper
but the numbers don't match
and everything is all wrong
i wind up running a lap behind
chasing the backs of my friends
who have become my opponents
in the space of two weeks
at 9:45
he holds my hand
as i accumulate enough salt water
for both passover seders
i make a promise
to a dear friend of mine
at 9:59
and i can only hope
that i will be able to keep it
spoiler alert:
i don't
you cannot always have
everything you want
i tell myself as we return
i no longer need
the black and navy blue
to keep me warm
but i miss the warmth
and the magic
of the thing that broke my walls
and as the days grow colder
i long for it even more
after a few weeks
i came back to it because
let's be honest, i couldn't stay away
i walked in on my first day back
singing 'surprise, look who's here'
and was rapidly engulfed
in a pile of flowers and jewels
a jet black beetle watching over us
i worked so hard to come back
that it numbed all the pain i felt
and all i could complain about
was how a mouse can't beat a lion
if you match them face to face
i would tell the others secretly
about how
a mouse is a mouse
when they are timid
but a rat
when they are brave
i spoke in a whispered undertone
about how you can't
force a parallelogram
into a triangular space
and when you're short on squares
remember your geometry lessons
because a square hides
in every parallelogram
even if it does look different
at the eye's first glance
if you tilt the corners
to 90 degree angles
you'll find exactly what you need
spring again
and i am told
what i already know
a private teacher, a friend of lions
she took a sample of my blood
of ebony ink and ivory paper
yet it was anything but that
dulled edges of too flat gears
that squeak out and die
when shifted too high
must be oiled and sharpened
before i am able to use them well
and i have been riding my bike
wrong. wrong. wrong
this entire time and
i never. ever. ever
knew otherwise
i know that my blood is too impure
but hearing the words spoken
is a slap across my face
and i stagger from the blow
so i wait until 10:59
and in the meantime
i oil and sharpen my gears
and learn to ride my bicycle
all over again
from the very beginning
with the tiger watching over me
i have discovered something new
and something wonderful
something i never knew existed
and i feel lucky because
i am the only one who knows
but i am also
the only one who believes
it is natural for a mouse
bound to the earth
to believe a bird can't fly
but if you've ever seen a bird
open their wings to the sky
you know that they are able
to do something truly magical
what happens when the rat
tries to grow wings and fly away?
when the rat meets the lion
in a linoleum-tiled room
in a different city
when so much factors into this
that the pressure alone
could kill the rat
that is when the product
of my maintenance is shown
but the high gears still squeak
and i'm still not confident in riding
the lion does not devour the mouse
until later in the meal
you've improved so much
but it's not enough, not enough
not enough
the mouse builds their walls again
but the skies do not pour
until only the birds can see it
ugly and beaten
and utterly defeated
the rat has broken wings
just beginning to form
no one will shut up
about metal birds flying in the sky
to places i will never see
a promise like a mirror
lays shattered on the floor
i know i said i'd be around
i bleed blood of bass clefs
and notes i'm not allowed to sing
because triangles sing here
and squares sing there
and parallelograms, pentagons
and other wonderful shapes
have no place
but i know of somewhere
where figures can just
be geometry
and no one has to bleed
yet here
i am a triangle
and i cut out half of my identity
because with you
i have no other choice
i see everyone
as we fly off
on different metal birds
in different directions
to different cities
the rat's wings are more defined
but still deformed
a creature stands before a peacock
not quite a bird, but not quite a rat
doused in rainbow paint and smiling
despite all of their ordeals
especially this past stone-turn
isn't it funny
how even in a castle on a cloud
there are still linoleum floors
i sing without a hat
about a host of things
that all mean a lot to me
all wrapped up
in a simple theme song
from a favourite show
the piano is grand
and when the peacock
asks for a sample of blood
from the creature
triangles of music come out
because that's been the only way
for the creature to survive
for the past two stone-turns
the peacock smiles and says
'exactly, precisely'
and it's joyous music
to the creature's ears
which have never before
heard such praise
the creature's rainbow wings
unfold into the light
the peacock made a difference
and said 'shapes are all geometry
'
and when the stone is turned
the rat-bird will sing without a hat
as an experiment
instead of cutting out half of myself
i just tilt myself slightly right
so i am straight
and i become a square for a night
i am so happy
everyone tells me i look great
but the lion roars
the jeweled beetle shakes its head
and the creature's wings
secretly grow stronger
a room of carpet
and an aardvark of a lion
questions whose answers
fly over heads like metal birds
taking people to places
they have never seen before
responses like an x-acto knife
cutting out the existence
of an entire shape
this is when the tears don't come
but it is revealed
that the rat has wings
and that the beat-up rat
almost isn't a rat at all anymore
the lion is surprised
and backs off
and the rat-bird makes their escape
back to their hidey hole
for the day
i become a square again
this time with permission
after a carefully considered message
is sent off attached to the foot
of an electronic bird
the night is magical
and not at all
what i thought it would be
when the clock struck nine
a wand is lifted
but the magic is lost on me
and two stone-turns ago
i thought i would cry
when this moment came
and i thought the clock would strike
12:45 and not 11:45
but you can't plan for everything
i am a rare creature
and zoologists want to keep me
but i want to fly out in the open
free to be the rainbow bird
my broken promises tell tales
of blackbirds
singing in the dead of night
and i hear
'take these broken wings
and learn to fly'
and i know
i must learn to fly
when the clock struck nine
the bandages and murtlap essence
gave me peace
and you were the one
who saved the drowning mouse
but defeat was bitter
and promises were made
to be broken
when the clock struck ten
how could i complain
when i got what i wanted
yet i knew what lay ahead
was geometry ac
and i was never very good at that
or keeping quiet
again defeat was bitter
i lost my chance for metal birds
and my hat stayed on my head
when the clock struck eleven
the changes began
but they were slow
and sometimes painful
and mostly secret
but now i can spread my wings
for all to see
my wings are broken
because of what i leave behind
and the shattered promises
that still cut me to this day
even if they don't hurt anyone else
but this is the nest
that loved me first
that showed me kindness
when i thought there was none left
the nest that nurtured me
and raised me
with patience and tough love
to be the person i am today
i am almost ready to fly
away from the nest
for the first time
and although they are broken
i must take these eagle wings
and learn to fly
while never forgetting
the nest i came from
thanks for the memories
and although
my time to fly is soon
i am nest-bound
until the choir clock
strikes twelve
canto ab imo pectore
et haec olim
meminisse iuvabit
hoc est meum verum